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Kalani

 

I never expected to be a mother.

It wasn't really that I was against the idea. I just never felt it to be a part of my path. I have never lived a quiet life, and my concerns were never centered in the household. I have tried to live without regrets, accepting what must be accepted without anger, though not necessarily without resistance. I am proud of the things I do -- but the things I do have always been directed outward. Balance I feel I have achieved, but I am not centered, and so I drift. It was this that led me to leave the islands. I would like to believe that I accepted the changes in my life simply because I believe that it will all balance out in the end, but it would be nearer the truth to say that I have never had enough of an attachment to my life in one form to object to taking on another. So I drifted, from journalist to outlaw to thief, and never thought much of it.

Jay joined my path somewhere along the line and we have drifted together, though I think for different reasons. He drifts because he desires that lack of attachment that has gotten me through so much; he fears what it means to be centered. There’s much in him that fears, and I think if I had been centered myself, he would have been frightened to care for me as he does. But to anchor to me was not to be anchored, and in drifting together I think we have had in our own easygoing way a love as fine as any other. Each day I find something new in him -- including our newest arrival.

His arrival showed me how much I had already changed. I would not have been angry, before, I think. Acceptance has always come easily, too easily, to me, but when he told me, I was angry. I felt deceived, though certainly he had been wronged more thoroughly than I in that regard. I knew then that I had learned to be attached.

Now the process is continuing. I have a family, something I never expected, and as a side effect I now have a home. I would not leave my place this time without tears, I think. I would defend this home. I will not let this family go easily.

Our young one was unexpected but welcome, when all is said and done. He is certainly having an effect on his father, and for that alone I would care for him. I wish he had come to us sooner, though... I fear the effect his past will have on him. He is so little, but not broken, I think. We will help him... our little anchor.

 

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